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Actions from the Heart

by CallieDawn on October 21, 2010

Since moving to Taiwan in September something many of our friends and family have asked us is, “What are you up to?”  In other words, what are you doing for work?  The funny part is I don’t have an answer!  Jason is busy coaching and has more then enough work to keep him busy full time and more, but for me it’s a different story.

I just left a job that I loved and hated the month before we moved to Taiwan.  In fact coming to Taiwan was enabled by the end of this position.  So why did I love and hate the position that I was in?  Well it had nothing to do with the position itself and everything to do with how I used to live life.

You see, when I moved into my role with this amazing company called WarriorSage I was so moved to be there.  It was an absolute thrill!  I had been volunteering with the company, seen amazing shifts in my life and was compelled by their work.  It became dead obvious that I needed to work with them come hell or high water.  I was inspired, I was excited and I knew in every ounce of my being that this was where I needed to go.  I loved it and nothing could have lit me up more!  So where does the hate come into play you ask?

Well as with every cycle in ones life there is a beginning and an end.  If you miss the end or don’t recognize when to end something this can be a problem.  It takes current life energy and pumps it into something that is primarily complete.  By complete I mean that in that cycle you are no longer gaining what it is you came there for.  I’m not referring to financial compensation, but the intangible gifts that we receive in each segment of our lives with each new chapter that we open and close.  When you hit this point of completion it’s time for action, and you know it.

Well this was the hate part.  I hit that point of completion almost a year before I actually left my position with the company.  I was dying inside.  Every day felt more convoluted then the last because I didn’t know why I was there.  I had constant thoughts about leaving based on how I was feeling and yet felt committed to the cause.  I talked about leaving with Jason, but I was also comfortable, it was familiar, I knew my salary and I felt obligated to be there.  The cycle was done and I was no longer playing my own tune.  And yet I continued to stay.

When I finally did give my notice of departure I was requested to stay an additional two months over an above the six weeks I offered.  I said yes.  Beat down and already weak from extending myself past due I thought that was what I should do.  Why?  Well in my mind if you ask anyone that would be “the right thing to do”.  I have an obsessive compulsive behavior called accommodating.  I like to put others first despite my own instincts and intuition.

So the great part is that I’m done. I don’t work there anymore.  But the less then great part is that whatever it is that compels me to operate from what I think I should do is kind of stuck on automatic.  It’s this that I’m focused on changing.

As most of you know Jason and I planned to move here to teach English.  We both love to teach and especially at great jobs that would provide us with a great life including travel, savings and a good living.  It sounded good in theory, but something strange happened.  As if possessed, both of us concluded shortly after our arrival that we were not willing to work at a school as planned.  Jason decided that he wanted to work solely on his coaching, which makes sense.  And as for me, well I don’t have a good reason per se.  Or maybe I do.

You see, teaching English was a default for me when I left my last role.  It sounded exciting and I was totally game, but it was also the “responsible” choice for me to make.  I thought that I should do it.  A teaching position equaled guaranteed hours, guaranteed pay and a guaranteed schedule.  And this is how it should look right?  Well that is the way my mind is programmed. This pattern is so engrained in me and yet so not the way I want to live that I often end up feeling a little crazy at the end of the day. Rationalizing my every action.  Feeling guilty for my choices.  And especially feeling inadequate next to others I know and love.

My parents sincerest desire for me and my sister growing up was not to experience the financial struggles in life that they have been through.  So like any good parents they were adamant about me going to school and getting a good job.  Wise for sure, from their point of view.  Since this time I have looked for this solution of getting a good job to satisfy what I thought I should do.  But only to end up waking away in the end.  At other points I have held onto a job long over due because of social conditioning, as I described above.  Well this month, for the first time in my life, I decided I’m not going to do something because it’s a good idea.  I decided not to teach English.

I’m not saying that I don’t want to ever teach English or that I’m not at all open to a job if it’s the right position for me.   But what I really yearn for is the opportunity to want to do it cause that is what I want to do.  Not because it’s a good idea.  The result may very well be the same but the path and course to get there are like night and day.  Remember when I was talking about going to work for WarriorSage?  That is what I’m looking for.  The knowingness and the certainty of life’s call.  I want nothing less.  It’s not really a short order, but I’ve experienced it before and I’m bound and determined that it is the only course I’m setting for the future.

So the amazing teaching job that I just walked away from.  The one teaching English and western business skills to high up corporate executives, managers and employees at many of the major tech companies in Taiwan.  The one with flexible hours and paid travel.  Yah that one…well I cried when I walked away.  Multiple times.  Why?  It was the only action I could take to affirm my commitment to operating from my heart instead of my head, and it was hard.  To walk away went against every fiber of my being, based on my usual method of operation.  But in the end I did it.  I looked the other way and graciously declined.  Why I even went to the interview is beyond me, but at the time it seemed like a good idea 😉

So here I am, jobless and heart centered.  I’m taking the next few months to get in touch with what moves and shakes me.  I know I will likely be working for myself and helping others cause that is what I love to do.  Other then that I expect the rest will show up very soon.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Pam October 31, 2010 at 4:12 am

Beautifully written Callie. Thank you for sharing the details of that experience.

You speak to many. I hope that the ‘many’ are able to hear you.

Blessings to you both from North America!

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Dana March 19, 2018 at 1:19 pm

Reading this and knowing where you guys are now in Costa Rica makes my heart sing. You are a kindred spirit and I am going through my own transition. This was so refreshing to read!

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Callie August 30, 2018 at 6:20 am

You’re so sweet Dana. XO I totally forgot that I had written this so long ago. Wow, thanks for the opportunity to witness my own transformation. Love, Callie

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